I’m fu***** terrified! That’s probably my best confession as a fresh college graduate. Because after all the glam, the diplomas, and the celebrations of the ceremony, I realized this is it. The most awaited graduation 2019 is over. We’re all really adults now. And our lives are really in our hands.
If you asked me what it feels like to be graduating right on graduation itself, I’d tell you that it almost doesn’t feel special. It was exciting. But, it was a huge blur that I really didn’t get to savor the moment. The emotions came crashing days after when my brain finally acknowledged that I’m REALLY done with school. With that came other realizations: I’ll have to part with some of my best friends, I’ll have to start my career, I’ll have to set priorities and obligations, and I’ll have to build a new chapter of my life. They’re all these big things coming down all at once. And this fresh grad right here doesn’t feel fully prepared. I even keep forgetting to pay normal fares instead of student fares for Christ’s sake.
So, this is what it feels like to graduate.
So, What’s Next?
One day back in college, my friends and I were just hanging out after class. Then, I just started to panic. There I was, in front of my friends, panicking and close to tears because I didn’t know what to do in the future. And that was even two whole years before our graduation! Now, I think most of us fresh grads are going through the same thing. We’re all having a hard time answering the question “What’s next?”
It honestly sets a different kind of pressure on you. And lately, I’ve realized how different it is just talking about it and actually living in the moment. Once the school spits you out on the streets to fend for your own, it’s nothing like you’ve ever expected. Funny enough, last year, the biggest choices we had to make was which block to take. And now with graduation over, we have to make choices that can make or break our lives and spirits. That’s what scares me the most because now, I really have to stand on my own two feet, training wheels off, and no more safety nets to fall back to.
The Pressure Is On
At this point in my life, I think there are two kinds of pressure I’m unintentionally receiving. One is external, the pressure I’m receiving from the expectations of the people around me. And the other one is internal, my very own torture device of self-expectations. I swear to god, just thinking about it makes me want to throw a plate against the wall.
Even though I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t let the expectations of others get to me, there’s this part of me that doesn’t want to disappoint. On the other hand, there’s also this part of me that wants to prove something to the people who are still looking down on my course (BA COM), especially if they’re family members. Unfortunately, those don’t compare to my self-induced pressures.
These self-induced pressures are the real assholes. They’re poison. You see, I’m the type of person to set general goals. If you ask me how I would like to describe myself in the future, it would be “respected, contented, great, loved, generous” and other good stuff. But, I have no clue how to get there yet. Meanwhile, insecurities are starting to grow on me. Thoughts like “you won’t get a good job,” “you’re not good enough for a great career like that,” and “you’ll just be a name easy to forget” bothers me. I didn’t work my ass all these years in school honing what I have and spending my parent’s money for nothing.
Then, I’ll also have to panic about the real questions. Where will I work? What job? How? How do I get that job? How do I help my family? How do I become successful? The pressure is ON.
Fortunately, I don’t think it’s always a bad thing.
Scared But Excited
Veni, Vidi, Vici. I came, I saw, I conquered. As cliche as it is, this phrase actually helped me see the other side of those negative thoughts. College had some pretty dark times and I got through them with flying colors. I conquered, I could say. And I know there’ll be a lot more dark days ahead. But with the realization of what I’d already come through, the fear and pressure are actually pushing me to become excited to take those steps into the unknown.
Slowly but steadily, I’m learning to accept that I’ll be disappointed, that I’ll have to make some choices that don’t necessarily make me happy, and that I’ll get to experience the full brunt of the ups and downs of life. I’m not prepared. I don’t think I’ll ever be. What I do know is that I want to live and learn from every moment of what lies ahead. I want to go with the flow, I want to fight it. I want to run. I want to stop. I want to live with a passion most especially.
The aftermath of graduation 2019 is making me overthink a lot. But, there’s only one thing I can say to myself that I want to remember: my only limit is myself.