How To Be A Good Listener

In this day and age of distractions brought on mainly by technology, can we really say that we are listening to other people? Picture your last conversation with a good friend, your spouse or your kid. Can you really say that you were 100 percent paying attention to what they were saying or were you thinking about something else, like the email that you need to send or an SMS you need reply to? Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us.

According to Psychology Today, research has shown that a mere 10 percent of people are able to listen effectively. No thanks to the many distractions that may come from our smartphones, our tablets or PCs. If technology is not at fault, it may very well be our own thoughts that keep us from focusing on what the other person is saying. The article also noted that people sometimes “listen to reply” rather that “listen to understand.”

Why is Active Listening Important?

The act of listening goes beyond hearing the words and thoughts of another person. A Dutch writer, Henri Nouwen describes listening as “a form of spiritual hospitality” that transforms strangers into good friends. He said: “Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond…The beauty of listening is that, those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their own true selves.”

Here are five tips on how to become a good listener.

1. Practice. There is a listening exercise that you can do and all it takes is four minutes of your time. First, you must look for someone who is willing to do the exercise with you. No phones allowed, only a stopwatch or a timer. Using the prompt “How are you?” one of you must speak for two minutes, while the other listens. The rule is that whoever is listening will not speak during those two minutes or respond to what the other is saying. After the first two minutes, you switch roles.
2. Be open-minded and accepting. Before engaging in a conversation with another person, ask yourself the following questions: “Can I stay fully present and listen deeply? Can I keep from judging what the other person is saying? Can I refrain from offering advice? Can I avoid interpreting this other person’s experience?” Oftentimes our tendency to judge what others are saying or to give advice to others muddles the act of listening.
3. Give the person your full attention. Make eye contact, but don’t stare. Stop yourself from glancing at your phone or the people around you.
4. “Listen to the words and the silence in between.” If you want to be an active listener, you must be able to pick up non-verbal cues as well, such as sighs, pauses or long silences. Sometimes these silences mean something too, especially when you think about how they are connected with what the person is actually saying.
5. Open-ended questions are best in fostering dialogue. You do not need to respond to a person by offering advice or your opinion. Sometimes, a person just needs someone who will hear them out and not necessarily someone who will tell them what to do. So instead of saying what you think, why not ask the person more questions such as “What was that like?” or “How did that make you feel?”

Active listening is an important life skill and with it, you can foster more meaningful friendships and relevant connections in your life.